Tuesday, August 14, 2012

"The Best Thing That Ever Happened To Me"

I am oozing stress about Claire going into Kindergarten right now.  I can’t stop thinking about it.  The other day at Meaghan’s new house, right in the middle of dinner, I (almost involuntarily) blurted out “Claire is going to get kicked out of kindergarten” in front of everyone.  I am so ashamed.  Like so many leaves caught up in the wind I watch my words and worries fly.  My mess was more feelings than thoughts, spilling out, unchecked.  And out of the heart the mouth speaks. “We will see what happens,” my wise friend replied.  All I could think about was; what is wrong with me?  Why would I say that? Where did this tyrannosaurus for anxiety come from?  Of all God's commands: Do not steal, lie, commit adultery, become drunk... I feel like do not worry should have come with instructions.

When I read the Bible, Old Testament especially, and God’s chosen people are forgetting and forsaking him time and time again even after they had experienced his faithfulness it makes me think, wow, that is so me.  They were firsthand witnesses to rivers of blood and seas parting and pillars of fire leading them through waste lands and still, again, they turn their backs on their God.  And I, in spite of experiencing forgiveness, rest, mercy, wonder… grow weary with the waiting, seeking in the dessert of my soul. 

I have heard and read many statements like “Having a child with special needs is the best thing that ever happened to me,” and I think, having a child with special needs is the best thing that ever happened to me in the same way 40 years in the wilderness was the best thing for the Israelites.  Not that I think God is punishing me, He was taking His people out of slavery, and He is saving me by changing me.  I know the journey leads to promised land but today feels like peril.  I’m freaked out about Kindergarten next month because Claire put about 100 rocks in her mouth at the beach today just to defy me and threw sand at her sisters’ right after I told her not to and refused to walk down the stairs and took food off of someone’s plate… and I am tired.  I want better for her and I am afraid this pilgrimage is not taking a turn toward greener pastures.  God, you took my life and pointed it to the unknown; I am afraid.  I feel this weight, I can’t withstand the force of its crushing magnitude, a life is in the balance but I can’t fix any of these problems!  I can’t lift this weight!   I’m so frustrated “Why the dessert God!” I’m so sick of sand and therapy and repetition and defiance and advocacy.  Remind me Father, I need to remember the miracle.  You restore the broken because we will be broken.  Here, in this pressed down space you fill my cup with your manna of faithfulness for today.  I am full of gratitude for you because I am emptied of myself.  This place of, I can’t do it without you, is the gift.  I cry out, I have lost my way because I walked away.

So here I am with a confession and a prayer. 

Father God, are the creator of the heavens and of this small heart.  You hold me as I call to you for wisdom and strength.  I don’t want to give up because I know the victory belongs to you God.  I don’t know the ending, I can’t fix this match but you will be glorified in it.  I remember your faithfulness to me. You already defeated sin and death because you love your people, your creation.  I am your creation.  I love you.  Thank you from saving me.

This really is the best thing that ever happened to me.  I am so thankful for Claire and all that she has shown me and all that I have learned.  You have changed me, thank you.


Alice, Makenna and Claire slip-n-slide with uncle Toni and uncle Harley;    Claire 

5 comments:

  1. You are a brave lady sharing all of this anxiety. I can completely relate.
    I thought I'd put all of this past me in the spring when we made the final decision on where to send Riley to school but as August creeps by and I'm buying school supplies the thought of Riley going to kindergarten takes my breath away and puts a knot in my stomach. I keep reminding myself of a few lessons that Riley has already taught me. He will thrive any where he is. I thought I was going to have a complete meltdown during the transition from the safe Guildschool to public school preschool. Ri walked in like he owned the place and never looked back. Sure he has had bumps in the road but really it was me that had issues with the transition not him. I wasted a lot of time worrying and I remind myself of this everytime the thought of kindergarten and the wave of nausea washes over me. Riley and Claire will both have a support system around them helping them to succeed in their own way. No one can resist those beig beautiful eyes and help being drawn into their world.

    A couple that has a teenage son with Ds told me once that it was important to look at success through our childs eye and not our own. The example they gave was when their son was part of the football team. He never got to play and they felt so bad for him but when they stopped to think about it the happiness for their son was being in the uniform and being part of the team. He didn't feel bad for a second that he rarely got to play and his parents didn't need to feel bad either.

    Our kiddos will find their happiness and success. It might not look like what we think it should but they will find it all the same.

    If they get kicked out of kindergarten... we'll just cross that bridge when it happens. Maybe we could spilt the cost of a priavate teacher willing to take on the smart sassy little people in our world. :-)

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  2. I have repeated those same words, "she is going to get kicked out of Kindergarten," about once a week all summer. LOL. It is totally terrifying. At night I have these little talks with myself and convince myself that it will all work out the way it's supposed to, as it has up to the point! I just KNEW that Ella would be moved out of the intergrated preschool after being in there for a couple of weeks her first year and instead my tiny 3 year old that barely spoke rose to the occasion.

    I totally agree with Mary!!! The worry is all us and we are usually shown that is was all for nothing!!! Though I do think, sometimes, that a private teacher is a great idea. LOL!

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  3. Such a great post! You are a dream parent to most teachers! When I taught K, the parents that were hard were the parents who didn't care about how their child handled kindergarten! I did my student teaching in a Spokane kinder class, and loved it... even the difficult moments made me a better teacher! Hang in there Tami! Kindergarten is a blast and I'm praying Claire has a teacher who will grow with her and you on Claire's educational journey!

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  4. Hi Tami! My name is Allison and we have a mutual friend -- Karen S! She recently sent me the link to your blog, hoping it would be an encouragement to me. And I loved reading your latest entry :) I have a son with a genetic disorder and blog about it as well; Karen, knowing that, sent me your way. My son (Reed), is turning two next month, and will be going to daycare for the first time ever tomorrow actually. He'll only go one day a week, but I'm also a little scared! At any rate I just wanted to say hello and thanks for sharing some of your story...it's an encouragement to people like me.

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  5. What a humbling realization it is to know that where I am may seem scary, or out of control but God does have it under His control...and it is for our good. Lessons are hard to learn and change is scary ...but needed (especially when I don't want to change)...Thank you for modeling all these things for me in so many ways.

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