"When I was a baby, God grew me in your belly? When I was a baby I was little and cute? When I was a baby Claire was in your belly?..." Makenna is out of the two year old tantrums and into the three year old questions. All morning she asked me about when she was a baby. "Yes, God made you grow in Mommy's belly.." I tell her "You were so little but Claire was even smaller."
"Claire has another tummy Mommy," that is what we tell them. That is what I have been thinking on the last few days.
God does not have to put a baby inside you to make them a part of his plan and your heart.
I wish I could say I woke up one day and thought, "I think I'll adopt a child with special needs. They need good homes and that is something I have always wanted to do" but, that would be a lie.
All along the way I have straggled with fears, doubts, pride, laziness, insecurities... and if you read this blog you have heard all about them. I thought a thousand times, "I could just be done. I gave her a good start. I am young. No one would judge that choice" and honestly I don't think anyone would have.
With Claire there is always a but God. He put her in our life so obviously that choosing to not have her would be, to me, rejecting what he gives.
Before Miss Claire was adopted I would talk with Nate and he would tell me "I just haven't given her that last piece of my heart. I can't, not unless she is ours forever." I thought, "Forever, surly she will go back to the bio parents."
Like taking off the training wheels I stumble over love. Hearts don't just change, mine needed time. So many regrets, I wish I could have opened my heart fully to her the moment she was adopted, I was too scared. I knew this was God's plan and I could not turn my back on his gift but I sill was not all in. It had been a dramatic two years. Medical issues, foster care, bio parents, social workers, therapists, specialist, pregnancy... and suddenly it's over she is ours. Like the calm after a storm I was nervous.
Months turned to years and God's grace overflows our lives like water
broken threw a dame. Spilling over my hesitations, I am washed away.
My pride, my anxiety, everything I was holding back. Claire is in me and through me as fearlessly, recklessly as if she was knit together inside me. She was knit together in my heart.
Now we fall in love, every day. We become a family and love each other more, accept each others strengths and struggles. And we try to give the glory to God for making this beautiful family, this crazy life and this short time we share it together.