Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Nate and I made a deliberate choice when Claire came to us to continue life. We want her to have a childhood like we had; camping, church, swim lessons and the whole nine yards. It is so easy to shut yourself away when you have a child with special needs. Part of it is the crazy schedule (doctors, therapies...) but the other is that it's just hard being out there.
I talked to a friend today who shared with me that she feels like she can't put her daughter in Sunday school because the staff wont accept her and work with her. It's heart breaking.
We all have bad days, but Claire's bad days can be epic and last for weeks. It's easy to feel like the eyes of the world are watching you and judging. A friend, Kacey writes, "I love my daughter and don't think that I am saying that I don't or think for a second that my love is fading it's just that I have been dreading doing things with her. That really pains me to say, but it is simply the truth. She acts horribly for me. Everywhere I take her she is awful (and perhaps I am overly sensitive and I am used to a very well behaved child, Hunter) and I am often embarrassed. After all your child's behavior is a reflection of your parenting right? Not really when it involves children with special needs, I realize this but in my moments of losing my patience and going crazy in my head I convince myself that somewhere along the line I have failed with Ella and I don't know what to do to fix it." (Check out Kacey's 31 for 21 blog at http://theamazingellagrace.blogspot.com/)
It's so hard, if not impossible, to not take it personally. When Claire pushes over a small child just learning to walk for no apparent reason, BANG I'm back in that place feeling like crap and throwing myself a pity party. There is nothing I can do! Yes, be consistent, talk to her about it, remain calm... but really, she's going to do it again. I can't just throw in the towel and call it a lost cause. We are capable of learning! Why does it have to be so painstaking?
So from the inside I look. Do I venture out my front door knowing what awaits me? Yes! Who am I fooling? I know it's going to be hard but if I don't go out I'll miss all the good along with the bad and Claire will miss out the most. My pride is going to be wounded but I shouldn't think so well of myself anyway. She's going to be in ballet and we are going to story time at the library gosh darn it!