Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Out of Controle

Being brave with my life, it's a really good concept but one of the hardest things about it is the vulnerability.  My self-preservation says "back up the train!" but I have come to the conclusion that if I am going to do something worthwhile with my life it's probably going to feel like jumping off a cliff.  I want to see the hands beneath me, poised to catch me. 

Having Claire is teaching me to be, well, a little out of control.  I don't know what tomorrow is going to hold.  Infact, thinking about six months from now puts me into a bit of a panic attack.  I really can't hold this thing together on my own.

My life was really safe.  Some days I feel like I messed it all up but you know, that life wasn't very fulfilling.  I went through the motions, my predictable days and at the end of them I was exactly the same, or possibly more self absorbed.

I'm working on not having a clue, taking it out of my incapable hands and giving it to God.  So when my husband is gone (Air Force) and I want to scream you can all remind me.  At the bottom of the cliff there are beautiful, strong, invisible arms outstretched for me.

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